My day went alright, up and den rapidly down.

nvm if u dunno wad i'm toking abt.
u're not supposed to noe anyway.

U knoe, i envy those pple who can keep everything to themselves and remain a mystery to everybody. Whereas stupid me is so open with my frenz i probably got back stabbed and betrayed so many times i'm dead. Well, u noe, i lost my trust in pple for 4 years. I recently gained it back. I really hope i can keep it that way and cont. to build it up.

These NTU pple came and gave us a talk abt 中文系in their Uni. Well, sounds good. But then again, i'm not a big fan of NTU. And not juz cuz of the "No-one on the surface of campus" thing. I just don like it la. And i got this 缘 with NUS that started the moment i was born (hahaha... i was born in NUH.). I attended NUS child care centre and spent all my time then in my mom's neuro-pharmacology lab at the medcine faculty of NUS looking at those test tubes and all the pple in white lab coats were my only friends... And those post-grad students always came to entertain me and play with the 3 year old me. haha. Well, it wuz weird how i din turn out to be a science student. And that i'll never get to enter the same place i grew up in as a medcine student. But still, if i stayed in S'pore for Uni. It'll most prob be NUS. Hmmm... i dunno la, the talk today wavered me a bit. But only A BIT.

Sat down with Jaime on the big steps in front of pizza hut after we've had dinner together. We talked for some time. It's always nice talking to the few of them. Jaime included. We talked abt alot of things. And the thing i remembered most was the book of our life. The album recording our life. What would you see when you flip through it? From day one of your life to today, all that has happened... but more importantly, the blank pages waiting to be filled. What will you fill it with? I'm only 17, the album is not even half filled. Hmm. I probably would cry for one whole year if i go relive all that pain in my 17 years of life once again. They all seem a big deal to me. Maybe cuz they make up who i am today.

Then again, is it true u become numb when you grow older? You no longer experience the ecstasy u get, u don feel the immense hurt and sadness that make your eyes well up with tears, the pain you get from betrayl. When you've experience too much, you get numb. You lose your feelings, they get diluted and you no longer see the big deal. You won't understand why your daughter is so happy over some little thing, you don't get why your son is so hurt and sad over a trivial matter. You've grown up, you've seen the world. You are now blunt. You are now an adult. An adult which feels that being ecstatic and being over emotional is childish behavior. I seriously beg to differ. But who knows, twenty years from now i may be the same blunt, unfeeling adult without knowing.

Each experience constitutes who you are. Every detail crafts you. Which is why i believe God makes everything in my life happen for a reason. Its to make me stronger, to let me learn certain lessons. Blows are to wake me up from slumber, like an alarm clock. My life is planned, by God, in the best way ever possible. Because only he can know what is the best. That's why i love God. He cares for even the smallest being, the tiniest, most insignificant detail and feature. He made the world work so flawlessly, he made everything for a reason. He made everything perfect. He made the universe, he rules the universe, but her cares about me. He cares so much about me he died for me. What love is greater than that? Why the Kings of Kings love me and the world so, i will never understand. Its pure grace that i got saved. I can never do enough to repay the debt of sin. But God payed it for me. He just payed everything for me and pulled me out from the penalty of sin. For nothing. He doesn ask for anything. In today's context, i got his gift of salvation for free. In economics context... nvm. (heh.)

The thing is. i just felt so thankful i dunno why. I am just so tahnkful for all he has done. And i feel so guilty for being unable to do anything for him. I feel guilty for back sliding. I feel guilty for forgetting all these. It happens when you have so much in your life, in your mind, the image of christ gets blocked. Like Pei Hua Lao shi said. So far, so distant, and there's a jungle in the middle of you and God.

sigh. i talk too much. and i talk no sense. i don even understand myself. I just wanna say THANKS, God. For everything everything everything in my life. If i really count my blessings from God from the day i was born, i wont have enough space to store them in my com. And it'll probably hang and i don even have a back-up copy. Hmm... actually i do. I have one in my mind. One that will alway be there.
Joyce at 9:04 PM

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